You’re in Love with a Criminal

By: Ali Benz

People will believe anything these days. It’s too easy. I once told my younger cousin that Grindr was an app to order marijuana. He found out the hard way that this was very much not true. He’s still not talking to me, but Pierre, from West Village, is still trying to track him down and give him “something that will help him sleep”. Whoops.

Plain and simple: When something seems like it’s too good to be true, hate to break it to ya, but it probably isn’t. I’m not sure which was more disappointing—buying a ticket to Super Bowl LIII or Fyre Festival. At least one of them saves you the cringe of seeing Adam Levine do a striptease. If I wanted to see a scrawny, topless, Jewish boy rock-out to Maroon 5 I would’ve gone to my high school reunion.

What bugs me most about fraud like Fyre is the way the world responds. Sure, we get some hilarious memes and a chance to explain to the younger generation who the f*ck Ja Rule is, but the backlash never outweighs the opportunities. Billy McFarland, the psycho who created the “festival”, is still living his best life. Homie received hundreds of thousands of dollars to participate in interviews for documentaries, the media, etc. Last time I got caught doing something wrong, my boss gave me ten bucks and a gift card to Red Robin to keep my mouth SHUT. Meanwhile, this evil genius is STILL stacking his bank account. Why? Because our society is obsessed with criminals.

Let’s look at ‘The Ted Bundy Tapes’. Why are every sociopath and their mother drooling over these documentaries? My best friend has been referring to “Ted” on a first-name basis as if she knows the guy. To make matters worse, some perv decided to cast sweet angel Zac Efron as Bundy in the movie! How dare you cross-contaminate Troy Bolton with a necrophile? The only thing Zac is guilty of is murdering the iconic choreo of Kenny Ortega (refer to HSM 1-3).

We need to stop romanticizing criminals and start glorifying heroes—like Kirpa from the Bachelor. Home-girl literally ran on wet rocks so she could get injured and finally be interesting enough for some airtime. She and Colton have probably never actually met, but I’m Team Skirrp all the way. #Kirpa2020

It’s about time the media stop throwing money at delinquents. Did I fall in love with the ‘Hot Felon’ in 2014? Absolutely. Do I think Zac Efron looks hot AF as a murderer? You’re not wrong. It’s not my fault though. If Jeremy Meeks’ baby blue-eyed mugshot didn’t get more publicity than the ‘Walmart Yodeling Kid’, I probably would have had no idea who that handsome Crip was.

The jokes on us. We are the ones who keep these maniacs in business, desperate to lay eyes on the next villain. Why are we like this? I’m not sure. Maybe we get a thrill from seeing vicious acts played out, knowing we are all capable physically, but not mentally. Tuning in may give you that adrenaline rush of a roller-coaster, or hitting 10,000 steps on your Fitbit if you’re a suburban mom, but watch at your own risk. Remember, somewhere someplace there’s a serial killer spinning on his Peloton, AirBuds in, looking down at you, laughing from a Penthouse apartment filled with human body parts and Dom Perignon. Tragic.

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