Real Housewives of the RNC: A Convention Recap Just For You

By: Ali Benz

The 2020 Republican National Convention was quite the show. I kept thinking I was watching interviews from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but turns out it was just C-Span. There’s a lot to unravel here but keep reading if you want to ruin your day.

Let’s kick it off with Cissie Graham Lynch. Yikes. With a name like that, dare I even say more? She looks exactly like my American girl doll, Amanda, except luckily Amanda doesn’t speak. Cissie, on the other hand, knew all the right things to say to make the LGBTQ community hate her. Congrats, Lynch, you played yourself. This robot lady went on about how Democrats pressured boys to use girls’ locker rooms and participate in girls’ sports. She then said the Dems will force us to choose between God and Caesar. Tough choice. Both great guys.

Don’t get me started on Abby Johnson. I didn’t think someone could top Cissie Graham, but Johnson was out for blood. Literally. This anti-abortion activist came in hot. Abby J called Planned Parenthood racist and then went on to say abortion has a smell. She told her dramatic conversion story but all I could think about was the scent of abortion. No offense, Abz, but doesn’t everything have a smell? I’m sure you have a smell. Unless you have corona—then you can’t taste or smell. Wear a mask.

How much molly did Kimberly Guilfoyle take before her speech? She legit did not blink once. Kimmy’s passionate screaming could win championships. All I could think about was how Saturday Night Live’s Cecily Strong could’ve single-handedly created this character. When Guilfoyle started chanting, “The best is yet to come,” I got major Hunger Games vibes. Somebody is going to die. I’m scared, Kim. Drink some water, please. I hope her come-down isn’t too bad today.

Maybe Nick Sandmann brought her some drugs from his frat. Good thing schools are cancelled so this boy could show up to speak about cancel culture. Yes, being cancelled is toxic, but so is being brainwashed. I feel bad for this guy. All he has is his MAGA hat to hide from his haters. It’s going to be a rough few years, buddy. Maybe Tiffany Trump will at least take you to the Bahamas for spring break.

Tiff seemed like she just stumbled off a yacht blackout in the Hamptons to get some screen time. She was giving me Marilyn Monroe meets Lindsay Lohan vibes—and I mean that in the scariest way possible. She was wearing more eyeshadow than a middle school girl that just discovered Sephora with her dad’s credit card. Don’t you people have stylists? Anyway, Tiff, congrats on somehow blackmailing Ivanka into giving you her spot at the podium. Way to make Daddy proud. Maybe you won’t have to make an OnlyFans account after all.

Quick shout out to Mike Pence against various green screens. Mike, you handsome devil, what on earth did I just witness? All those expensive testimonials, couldn’t you at least have pretended to be interested? Also, stop referring to Lincoln’s house as his “boyhood home.” Just call it his childhood home, Mike, you’re freaking me out.

Not as freaked out as Donald must’ve been, though, when poor Eric got to the mic. Jesus, Eric, couldn’t you have just put it in a letter? Don neglects his son so much that he had to use his time as a cry for help, screaming to his dad through national television. Tragic. Can someone just give this man a hug?

Melania? Is that you? After Eric begged for Daddy’s approval for twenty minutes, Big Mel closed out the show. Honestly, Melania’s speech was the most natural and educated and that’s saying a lot. She even touched on the dangers of COVID-19. Her “Be Best” campaign has done nothing for me, but I’ve got to give this lady some credit. She came out looking military chic and didn’t miss a beat. She was being best af.

I’m not sure what I just watched or how to feel. I was happy to see all those women being honored and praised in the White House, but they seemed like something programmed out of Westworld. Can someone call Barron? We need answers. I cannot wait for Barron’s tell all to come out. For now, swipe up for ten percent off Melania’s Alexander McQueen drip and subscribe to Tiffany Trump’s GoFundMe for a makeup artist that doesn’t hate her.

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