The COVID: Total Madness

By: Ali Benz

This is not a drill. The rules of COVID apply. Play carefully. You are now living in an alternate reality. Nothing is the same and you will survive only if you follow the rules. This is season of the Rona, and you are Player One. Mask on, six feet, never touch your face. Play at your own risk.

You are automatically in the game so it’s time to isolate and adapt. Great time to be a nun, horrible time to be a swinger. A guy literally sent me his Corona test results to get me to hangout. Huge red flag but also is this the new equivalent to STD tests? Proving you’re clean? Thanks, buddy, I’m glad you’re negative for COVID but I’m sure you’re positive for something else. Anyone trying to hookup in these conditions is clearly unwell. Hate to break it to you but you’re not meeting your wife on Tinder today. Stay home.

I know, easier said than done. It’s nearly impossible to stay locked up with your family or roommates. I got in a fight with my dad last night because the avocados weren’t organic. We’re currently still not speaking. I know I overreacted but I fought so hard for those avocados it would be too awkward to back down now. We’ll probably speak once he catches me watching reality TV again and threatens to cancel the cable. Or worse, catches me making a Tik Tok, which is essentially just slutty sign-language. The deaf community should come for Addison Rae.

It would really suck to lose TV considering how many great shows are out right now. Listen to Your Heart? Oscar-worthy. The Challenge? Tear-jerker. So great to see TJ Lavin is still employed and I’m not. Do reality TV stars collect unemployment? I’ve been trying to collect mine for weeks and still can’t get in touch with the New York Government. Andrew Cuomo is too busy being cute AF to call me back. I get playing hard to get but like I need my money, Drew.

Not sure why they make it so hard to get paid. I just want enough money to buy a trendy face mask from a local rather than getting scammed by hippies on Etsy. I should’ve known ten masks for five dollars from someone named “Wild Flower” in New Zealand was too good to be true. That wasn’t my best move but at least I’m not taking shots of Lysol to stay pure. I actually love the mask look—super theft-chic and the narrow design does wonders for my jawline. My only complaint is the subtle mask-tan and some minor chin acne.

To be honest, I’m not ready for the Q to end. Don’t kill me for saying this, but I find it quite relaxing and I’m super busy. I don’t know where the time goes. It’s amazing we are living through a pandemic, and although it’s scary and your life is actually tragic, things will get better. For now, enjoy the time to yourself and the time at home. Give yourself a break. And remember, liquor stores are considered “essential” so there’s really no reason to complain.

 

The Corona Files

By: Ali Benz

If you get offended easily, this post isn’t for you. If you’re getting bored painting your nails quarantine red and sending pandemic nudes from your parents’ basement, carry on. COVID-19 is upon us and we need some comic relief during these dark times. Everybody copes differently. Some are blacking out with their cats while others are going ape-shit in a Costco. You decide who you want to be.

While we’re all on lockdown, it’s easy to forget what day or year it is. My oven clock is still wrong from day-light savings so I really have no idea. All I know is there are only a few rules for quarantine: calories don’t count, drinking doesn’t stop, and you can sleep with your socks on. It’s a different world.

I used to think that Corona was spread by the government to shut down the rave community. Every music festival has been canceled so that 12,000 wooks can’t share one camelback and clean themselves with their bucket hats. It was always dangerous, but the spread of a virus was the only way to get the bassheads’ attention.

After doing more research, I realized this conspiracy might not be true. It’s bigger than the rave. This virus was set out to conquer a whole generation. Perhaps millennials and Gen-Z are that terrible that we needed to be wiped out completely. The lord saw the future and it didn’t look good. It was all Tik Tok dances, vegan options, and a mediocre album by Justin Bieber. Of course the world was going to end. Or it’s just a test.

Everyone wanted to work from home so badly, and now it’s happening. Most people are forced to work remotely until further notice and I find it hilarious. Someone is currently auditing your taxes wearing a crop-top and drinking a Truly. A professor is virtually teaching a slew of degenerates that mute their screens to take bong rips.

Sadly, not everyone can work from home. If you work in the service industry, say goodbye to your paycheck. Waiters might actually have to become good actors now since they’re cut off from serving sangria at your local Olive Garden while “in-between gigs.” Tragic.

On the other hand, this is a fitness instructor’s dream. My whole newsfeed is just shirtless people working out in their basements and giving me unsolicited advice. Stop telling me to use a banana as a dumbbell. Gyms are closed for a reason: The government wants us to get thicc.

It’s great that coaches can virtually train, but it’s even greater that my therapist can virtually counsel. Now, I can show my therapist my childhood home and the people I’ve been complaining about for months! I bet this will speed up the process and I can even live stream my quarantine so she can fully assess the situation and take my side.

Don’t worry about how you’re handling it all. Everyone pandemics differently. Just be mindful of others. Stay inside. I know you’re freaking out that Coachella is canceled, but honestly, it’s not even cool anymore. Save your money and party through your phone. There’s nothing more fun than taking a shot with your friend across the globe at 2pm on a Wednesday in pajamas.