You Can Work From Home

By: Ali Benz

‘Twas a Wednesday evening when Fifth Harmony’s jam, ‘Work From Home’, grazed my ears and changed my life. I heard the inspiring tune on my lunch break and immediately knew what I had to do. I would work from home. A few hours later, I got a call from my boss. Turns out: We can’t work from home.

It’s not Camila Cabello’s fault. If Fifth Harmony puts out a motivational banger, it’s going to be received. I realized I didn’t like my job, and ‘home’ was a metaphor for where the heart is. That’s what I needed to do–Work from ‘home’. You may be thinking, “wtf is she talking about? Isn’t that song about sex on a weekday?” And to all you ignorant folks, it is my duty to teach you the message they failed to get across.

You can work from home. I left my job that day. Not to sit around watching ‘90 Day Fiancé with my cat, but to figure out what I would love to be doing. It’s not that easy, given the only things I enjoy are sloth videos and happy hour. I’m still figuring it out, but everybody moves at their own pace. You don’t have to stay at a sh*tty job just so you can put “financial advisor” in your Hinge bio. I just “advised” my friend to buy a bottle of rosé rather than a glass because that would be fiscally irresponsible. Boom. Financial advisor.

Don’t feel pressured by the people around you. Some of my friends are getting engaged, while others are just trying to find a Juul pod.  It’s called balance. Everybody gets divorced anyway, so don’t rush into a relationship because you think you’re supposed to. Unless it’s Jeff Bezos. Marry Jeff Bezos. Boom. Billionaire.

Love what you do and the rest will follow. If you put all your value in a partner, you will never be happy. Just look at Ron from Jersey Shore. That smol guido has never found peace. His focus is on toxic relationships rather than personal growth. If Ron channeled his energy into his passion for Ed Hardy T-shirts and faux-hawks, he would find himself in a better, tanner place. Don’t be like Rahn. Boom. Roasted.

It’s also ok to take a break and live at home. Moving in with your parents doesn’t have to be all basements and video games. Taking time to regroup and save up can be empowering. If you can get over the stigma, you may find yourself in a more positive space and able to reset. You are not a failure. It’s easier to pursue your goals surrounded by more support and less stress. Your life doesn’t become Grand Theft Auto and Domino’s pizza with your hometown drug-dealer. Though it does sound nice. It can mean relief of financial burden, self-reflection, and free groceries. Not tragic.

Kim Kardashian-West is a great example of someone who took their time. She “accidentally” made a sex tape, became a stylist, model, amazing actress, etc., but it wasn’t until she moved back in with Kris Jenner that she was able to figure it all out. In 2016, Kim returned home, the same year Fifth Harmony released ‘Work From Home’. Coincidence? I think not. Now, Kardashian-West is studying for the bar exam and becoming the lawyer she was destined to be. You. Can. Work. From. Home.

 

 

Relationship Advice No One Asked For

By: Ali Benz

Cuffing season is over and spring has sprung. I said it. Honestly, people in relationships are annoying AF. Having a mate is fun and all, but have you ever tried not having one? Let’s get dramatic for a minute so you can stop whining about your break-up and start wallowing in your single-ness. Wallow.

Most importantly, and I can’t stress this enough, is your Instagram feed. Studies show that posting a pic with your s/o cuts your likes by nearly 50% (not yet confirmed statistic). If your likes/comments are that low, there’s no way swimsuit brands will reach out to you to become an ambassador with a 40% off discount code. Tragic. Boyfriends/Girlfriends make you poor via social media. It’s basic math.

If you are out at a bar with your man, there is absolutely no way the lead singer of L.M.F.A.O. will buy you a drink. This is a true story and I was the victim. I’m still working through the pain I felt when the greatest artist of our generation sent tequila shots to all my single friends as I just sat there, sober and afraid. Redfoo, if you’re reading this, I need you to know that guy was my cousin and you hurt an innocent girl that night.

Does anyone know if Facebook is still a thing? All I miss about that platform was its ability to remember my aunt’s birthday and put relationships on blast. Back in my day, you’d broadcast that sh*t immediately and claim your bae. Then, when your two-week high school fling came to a shocking end, everyone and their mother knew instantly. This was great because you didn’t have to tell anyone you broke up, Mark Zuckerberg handled that. A gentleman and a scholar! Nowadays, you’re forced to personally reach out and tell your friends you got dumped, or risk suffering alone.

Still not convinced? This one’s for all you club-rats. You cannot get into the clerb with your boyfriend. Stop trying. It’s embarrassing. You can beg the doorman all you want, but having a guy that can’t pay cover is not cute. Why stay home when you could be at Marquee covered in cranberry juice and Ciroc? A promoter once texted me “1 Oak with Lil Romeo tonight” and I had to give that up. Why? Because I was in a relationship. I had to sacrifice a night of partying in the presence of a king all because I slipped and fell in love. Lesson learned. Side note: this promoter still texts me every night to this day, and I haven’t lived in LA for six years. This poor guy must be like 40 now. “Justin Promo”, if you’re still out there, please disregard all previous advice and get married. Asap. You make us uncomfortable.