Your Diet Starts Here

By: Ali Benz

As Memorial Day Weekend approaches, many of us are scrambling to get in shape to drown ourselves in rosé in the Hamptons. I even considered observing Ramadan to lose weight, but I realized that was kind of ridiculous. It’s brilliant that they schedule the fast right before the first beach weekend of the year, but starving yourself is not the move. I stan a spiritual fast, but if you don’t even have the religious involvement or clothing, it’s not for you. Ramadan, but make it fashion.

You’re crazy if you think there’s such a thing as the perfect body. Seriously, like not even Kendall Jenner. I remember last year when she got shamed for having strange-length toes. Weird flex, but ok. Aside from imperfect feet, no one seems to ever be content with their weight. I always thought it was super annoying when boys would complain that they were too skinny.  Are you kidding me? The last time I complained about being too thin was in 6th grade when I couldn’t fill out a jean skirt from Abercrombie & Fitch.

Men are insecure about being too small while women fear being large and in charge. Can’t we just meet somewhere in the middle? Not to bring up the Kardashians again, but I’ve always admired their commitment to strength and fitness. These women work out like crazy and take pride in their thicc, muscular bodies. I find it super empowering. That’s how Kim landed her role in Paris Hilton’s music video for her new single “Best Friend’s Ass”. Obviously a very powerful, thought-provoking jam that you’ll be showing your grandkids. With lyrics like, “F*ckboys everywhere tryna get a pass / but I can’t stop staring at my best friend’s ass”, you know you’ll be hearing it at mainstage at your nearest music festival as you get knocked around in GA by girls shuffling in nipple-tassels and that one guy who consistently brings a glow-in-the-dark hula-hoop and asks if you want a light show. Tragic.

Speaking of music festivals, I am taking a hiatus (don’t quote me on this). I used to say if you want to lose a few pounds just go to EDC Las Vegas or something. Between sweating all night and walking around looking for your car for three hours in the desert, you’ll be shedding pounds in no time. I know it sounds luxurious, but this is also not a healthy weight-loss method. That’s like Ramadan but on molly and with no spiritual awakening—unless you’re that forty-year-old in the crowd that keeps tripping on acid and claiming he’s talked to God.

I will also be taking a break from these events because last night my friend said she was going to Alcatraz and I asked her who would be DJing. It’s a prison. Not a music festival. Everybody was disappointed that day. If you are worthier than me and attending an actual festy, I understand you might want to diet and look your best in the crowd—or in your pics taken in the crowd, I should say. Especially now, seeing as how Tinder has decided to make a “Festival Mode” because that’s exactly what we all needed after the Herpes outbreak at Coachella. Thanks, Match Group! I just googled who owns Tinder and it said Match Group if you didn’t get the reference either.

If you will be using Tinder Festival Mode, there are other ways to get fit for your future #RaveBae. Starvation and deprivation are so 1900’s. Both men and women should focus on eating a healthy diet and exercising in a way that is best for them. If you have a beer or five at a Yankee’s game it’s not the end of the world. Enjoy yourself and focus on being the best version of you. Women: don’t be afraid to go hard in the gym and lift weights—muscles are beautiful on every gender. Men: stop complaining about being too skinny because it’s f*cking obnoxious. Just roll with it and know that the entire female community is envious of your situation. If everyone would stop judging each other and their body types, the world would be a better place.

Who cares what it says on the scale. The number doesn’t matter, I’m pretty sure it’s random anyway. Super dramatic that my doctor must weigh me literally every time I see her. Get over it it’s like you’re obsessed with me or something. Then I always have to minus like ten pounds for my shoes and everything in my pockets like that one piece of gum and my hair tie. Forget about the number and hone in on how you feel. Treat yourself, and wear that bikini that your mom said was too smol. Just not to a work event.

Mercury is Not in Retrograde

This has been an all-around weird week. I don’t know what it is, but something is off, so much so that I even googled if Mercury was in Retrograde, and I don’t even know WTF that means. And it’s not.

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Maybe it’s because I pre-gamed my Orange Theory class last night and got a minor concussion, or maybe it’s that Donald Trump finally texted me back, but I have not been able to think straight. For example, my dad just called and asked if I keep up with “The Moth.” I got super excited and was like, “OMG yes the memes with the lamps?!” There was a long, uncomfortable pause, and then he told me “The Moth” is actually an NPR segment, not a platform for the top moth memes in the country. He then carried on being a disappointed father. JK (I think)

Like most basic b*tches, my Lululemons and I went to Starbucks this morning for a cold brew. I was feeling wild, so I asked the cashier to throw in a spinach feta rap as well. She came back empty-handed and was like, “We only have one left”, and so I was like “Ok b*tch, hand it over.” As she rang it up, she looked me dead in the eyes and goes, “Are you sure you wanna do that?” and I’m just standing there panicking like yes, keep it down. I’m usually more alert but I fell for the trap when she asked for my name. Once they were done sautéing and flambéing my wrap in their luxury microwave, this girl has the nerve to yell, “Last spinach-feta wrap for ALI. Last one, for Ali!” and then literally hand-delivers it to me. I could feel the death stares from all surrounding basic b*tches in identical Lululemons. They practically shamed me out of my local Starbucks. Now I know how it feels to be Ted Cruz at a diner.

I’m also just realizing that this post is more basic than tragic, but, I’m too concussed and hungover from gluten-free pumpkin beer to care. F*ck. Not helping my case. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend, except for Colin Kaepernick. Nothing political, I just hate his face.