Everybody is Depressed

By: Ali Benz

If you find yourself crying in your cubicle today, just know you are not alone. It’s mental health awareness month. Not sure if those are correlated at all, but I do know that everyone and their dog is sad. Stay strong. I thought I was in a deep depression last week when I couldn’t get out of bed. Turns out it was just the flu in the Spring. Tragic.

You may be thinking, there are so many exciting things happening in the world right now, how could anyone be upset? But the truth is, I don’t care if Meghan Markle gives birth to a boy, a girl, or a ginger. Nothing from the UK excites me besides Simon Cowell. Once I found out I had the flu it was a bittersweet moment because I knew exactly what was coming. G-d had blessed me with time off from work to start Game of Thrones. Now I’m on season four and can’t stop talking like the Lady of Winterfell.

Watching GOT may have cured my depression/flu, but you don’t realize how many people you know that are struggling every day. Sometimes it’s good to keep a zodiac friend around because they can always give you a little insight. For example, over the weekend I yelled at an innocent bartender and told him he’ll never work in this town again. Afterwards, I felt guilty because all he did was put regular olives in my martini instead of stuffed. Luckily my horoscope friend told me there was a full moon so it really wasn’t my fault. Case closed.

Everyone uses different coping mechanisms. I live by the mantra that everything happens for a reason and will fall into place. Therefore, if that bartender loses his job over the whole olive altercation, chances are it needed to happen, and I probably just changed his life. He was most likely too scared to quit his job and apply to med-school or whatever—but now he can thanks to me. At least that’s what I tell myself to go to sleep at night.

If you’re depressed and don’t feel like seeing your annoying friends, listening to music can help. Usually, I like to put on a sad song, look out the window, and pretend I’m in a music video—but to each their own. I don’t get what all the hype is about BTS. If I wanted to see a bunch of Koreans dancing I’d go to literally any place that sells bubble tea. But people seem to love these K-pop boys, so if watching them on the Billboard’s floats your boat, then so be it. Just don’t get too comfortable at the award show. It’s all fun and games until Paula Abdul moves better at sixty than you ever will in your entire life.

What I don’t recommend is seeking comfort in a past relationship. I almost unblocked my psycho ex on Instagram—mostly because I couldn’t bear to lose a follower. Then I realized I could do what every millennial girl does after a break-up and post a bikini pic captioned ~living my best life~. Guaranteed ten new followers by morning. Let that man-go. That’s why the mango was created. A gentle reminder that some relationships are meant to stay in the past. Rather than hit up a crazy ex, just do what I do and drunk-text your therapist. Very rewarding. Very safe. Therapists never screen-shot. Screen-shots lose trust. Shout-out to HIPAA.

In other exciting news to cure your spring depression, the Met Gala just happened. The theme was “Camp” and I for sure thought it meant Camp Rock. Not quite. No JoBro in sight wearing Disney-print or holding the hand of leading lady Demi Lovato? Sounds lamer than weekend two at Coachella. Once I heard that I decided #MetCamp wasn’t for me. Would rather watch the Ted Bundy documentary. Zac Efron: 10/10 would let murder.

Remember, depression comes and goes. We all feel it. We all live it. All you can do is keep pushing forward….and like/subscribe to my blog. I heard that helps too but I don’t know I’m not a doctor.

 

Smile!

 

 

You Can Work From Home

By: Ali Benz

‘Twas a Wednesday evening when Fifth Harmony’s jam, ‘Work From Home’, grazed my ears and changed my life. I heard the inspiring tune on my lunch break and immediately knew what I had to do. I would work from home. A few hours later, I got a call from my boss. Turns out: We can’t work from home.

It’s not Camila Cabello’s fault. If Fifth Harmony puts out a motivational banger, it’s going to be received. I realized I didn’t like my job, and ‘home’ was a metaphor for where the heart is. That’s what I needed to do–Work from ‘home’. You may be thinking, “wtf is she talking about? Isn’t that song about sex on a weekday?” And to all you ignorant folks, it is my duty to teach you the message they failed to get across.

You can work from home. I left my job that day. Not to sit around watching ‘90 Day Fiancé with my cat, but to figure out what I would love to be doing. It’s not that easy, given the only things I enjoy are sloth videos and happy hour. I’m still figuring it out, but everybody moves at their own pace. You don’t have to stay at a sh*tty job just so you can put “financial advisor” in your Hinge bio. I just “advised” my friend to buy a bottle of rosé rather than a glass because that would be fiscally irresponsible. Boom. Financial advisor.

Don’t feel pressured by the people around you. Some of my friends are getting engaged, while others are just trying to find a Juul pod.  It’s called balance. Everybody gets divorced anyway, so don’t rush into a relationship because you think you’re supposed to. Unless it’s Jeff Bezos. Marry Jeff Bezos. Boom. Billionaire.

Love what you do and the rest will follow. If you put all your value in a partner, you will never be happy. Just look at Ron from Jersey Shore. That smol guido has never found peace. His focus is on toxic relationships rather than personal growth. If Ron channeled his energy into his passion for Ed Hardy T-shirts and faux-hawks, he would find himself in a better, tanner place. Don’t be like Rahn. Boom. Roasted.

It’s also ok to take a break and live at home. Moving in with your parents doesn’t have to be all basements and video games. Taking time to regroup and save up can be empowering. If you can get over the stigma, you may find yourself in a more positive space and able to reset. You are not a failure. It’s easier to pursue your goals surrounded by more support and less stress. Your life doesn’t become Grand Theft Auto and Domino’s pizza with your hometown drug-dealer. Though it does sound nice. It can mean relief of financial burden, self-reflection, and free groceries. Not tragic.

Kim Kardashian-West is a great example of someone who took their time. She “accidentally” made a sex tape, became a stylist, model, amazing actress, etc., but it wasn’t until she moved back in with Kris Jenner that she was able to figure it all out. In 2016, Kim returned home, the same year Fifth Harmony released ‘Work From Home’. Coincidence? I think not. Now, Kardashian-West is studying for the bar exam and becoming the lawyer she was destined to be. You. Can. Work. From. Home.