An Accurate Debate Recap

By: Ali Benz

I can’t take these presidential debates seriously. After anyone speaks I think it will be followed by, “And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night Live!” I’m not sure if I should blame Alec Baldwin or my extreme A.D.D., but I must say these events are more than political. They are mildly entertaining. It’s important to tune in and vote so you can make a difference and all that, but it’s also V important to take note of all the ridiculousness that was the democratic presidential debate. Don’t get me wrong—there were some great arguments and strong competitors on the stage. I just find it a bit hard to focus on policies and numbers while Bill de Blasio is screaming at me through my TV.

Let’s start with Joe Biden (because he’d be offended if we didn’t). Is he like, super close with Obama or something? I couldn’t tell. We get it Joe, you were VP. Get over it. He reminds me of the quarter back of your high school football team that won’t move on. That’s cool, Biden, you were hot in 2009 but it’s time to get a real job. This washed up prom king won’t give it a rest. I get that some people are super into the Affordable Care Act and all, but will it protect women from Joe? Kirsten Gillibrand threw a dagger when she brought up the former VP’s argument that “women working outside the home would ‘create the deterioration of family.’” Really, JB? This is why we can’t have old people in office. They are not up with the times and they don’t send good memes.

Gillibrand’s attack on Biden was what made me want to learn more about her. For some reason her name is Kirsten, not Kristen, and I think that’s super trendy. Every time she spoke I thought she was giving the sermon at my Bat Mitzvah. I was so close to inviting her to light candle number two. Truthfully, I’m not sure where I stand on healthcare, but Kirsty stands with Bernie on Medicare for all and I love that for her. Last week I had to drop 1k on an EpiPen because I’m “allergic to dust.” Everyone’s f*cking allergic to dust. It’s dust. Anyway, whatever plan is going to make sure that never happens again is fine by me. I could’ve been in Mykonos but instead my money is going to a pen I don’t know how to use for a fake allergy.

Speaking of money, did Andrew Yang just offer to give me one thousand dollars per month? Yes, please. That means 12k a year aka one EpiPen and eleven months in Europe. Sign me up for the Yang Gang. TBH there’s no chance this legend will win, but he still has my full support. Every time he finished speaking I swore he was going to drop a promo for his comedy special. He really brought the energy, and for that, I’m in.

Michael Bennet did the opposite. This man was sleepier than Ben Carson. Wake up, buddy. I’m sure he had some solid points but I really wasn’t engaged. I would get engaged to Julián Castro, though. Is anyone else sexually attracted to this man? Politics, but make it fashion. His hair, his tie, his voice? Jules was the full package. If this president thing doesn’t work out he definitely has a future as the next Bachelor. Someone call Chris Harrison.

I didn’t realize that Cory Booker wasn’t Vin Diesel until about half-way through, but he crushed it nonetheless. He went head to head with Biden and didn’t back down. While their showdown did teach me a lot about immigration policies and how Joe is stuck in the past, I also received other vital information. I had no idea you could say “sh*thole” on national television. Thanks, Cory! It’s safe to say Booker is now the political king of clout. After his “dipping into the Koolaid” comment, the Koolaid man actually tweeted at him and I think that’s a beautiful thing. The most famous person that ever tweeted me was Jake, from State Farm.

Throughout the entire, cringe-worthy debate, I looked at Kamala Harris as a light. She reminds me of literally every “cool” guidance counselor in any ABC Family show ever. The one that goes above and beyond for the students and gives them motivational speeches to “try harder.” Miss Hawaii obviously thought differently. She annihilated Harris and basically called her a hypocritical pothead in front of all of America. I see you Tulsi. Makes sense though. Might as well leave it all on the field on your last day.

Who knows who we’ll be seeing in September. All I know is that Bernie Sanders is having a Hot Girl Summer and that’s all that matters. He’s backed by Cardi B and the B is for the Bern. It all makes sense now. I just hope the Republican debate is as lit as the Dem’s was. It’s a relief to finally see some good TV after watching Luke P. cry all summer. Tragic.

Stop Selling Me Things

By: Ali Benz

Has anyone ever had to Venmo a homeless person? I have. Not having cash is no longer an adequate excuse. The ease of sending money makes everything super awkward, like when I have to donate to a cause on Facebook for a birthday every other day so I can sleep at night. Between Paypal, Zelle, and online shopping there are no limits.  You can literally sell anything. Whether it’s a product, an idea, or an app—someone’s buying. People want the next best thing even if it’s dumb af. You can literally put your trash on Etsy and call it a “Vintage Dream-Catcher” then suddenly some weirdo in Colorado is paying your rent.

I know everyone has seen those stupid Scooters around town for people who can’t afford Uber. That’s already pretty f*cking weird, but now I’m seeing pogo-sticks. You can hop your ass to work now. I was a professional pogo-sticker back in ‘02, but best believe you won’t catch me on one of those today. Pogos are absolutely not a method of transportation and make literally no sense. Imagine if you didn’t have the right backpack on—or bra. I’m so disturbed. Please, no more bouncing. Bring back Heely’s.

If you commute to work like a normal person, you probably need a decent night’s rest. Everyone has insomnia these days because it’s like, “in”. Super irritating considering I haven’t been able to sleep for years but now everybody wants to talk about it. Luckily, people capitalize on trends immediately and sell weird products on the internet to my mom. First, it was CBD oil. Now, it’s f*cking lavender? What? I told my mother I couldn’t sleep and she sent me a jar of lavender to lather myself in. It never put me to sleep but I do smell like a f*cking candle. Usually when I can’t go to bed my friends give me five melatonin and a Benadryl and hope I STFU. It doesn’t work either but at least I don’t turn into a plant.

Speaking of transforming, can everyone please stop downloading the FaceApp? Why are you so obsessed with posting pics of yourselves as old people? Your day will come. I legit never once wondered what any of my friends would look like at age eighty. Also, I don’t get why celebs insist on aging themselves in the app, too? No one cares what you look like Ludacris—I didn’t even know you weren’t that old. Please be more relevant. And seriously, Jonas Brothers? Why’d you do Kevin dirty like that?! He was already the least interesting to look at then they went and gave just him one of those creepy skin tags. Tragic.

When the internet isn’t targeting face-tuners, they pray on the over-weight. Forever 21 sent Atkins bars with plus-size orders as part of a master marketing plan that certainly wouldn’t be offensive. What do these people think, their XL customers will be flattered to receive subpar diet bars with their jeggings? That they’ll start buying Atkins products because the most disorganized clothing company in the world suggested it? Taking diet advice from a Forever 21 is like taking dating advice from Tiger Woods: It just doesn’t work.

Unfortunately, the FBI agents in our phones will continue to stalk us and bombard us with ads for exactly what we want. You can’t escape it. Instagram will target you. Amazon will find you. Don’t drink and Prime. You might just end up with two pashminas in the middle of July.

True Life: You’re an Alien

By: Ali Benz

Do people even know what UFO stands for? It literally just means unidentified flying object. I consider a UFO to be that random scrap of meat the hibachi chef throws into your mouth and you just eat it no matter what because—showbiz. The term doesn’t directly relate to aliens, but it’s completely understandable if you grew up watching E.T. A UFO may be flying Japanese meat in my eyes, but to others, it’s the possibility of a whole other galaxy.

I’m down for an alien invasion just as much as the next guy. I just hope these slick extraterrestrials are single af. Everybody these days is either gay or married, so I’d take a handsome, tech-savvy E.T. any day of the week. My hopes are obviously up, but one can’t even be sure that the objects the Navy reported are extraterrestrial. The Navy is dramatic and prob just wants attention, or a day off from work. I told my boss I had tennis elbow to get a sick day, but I bet if I said I saw a UFO in 2015 he’d suggest a leave of absence for “personal reasons”.

Honestly, I think there are aliens all around us and we don’t even know it. For example, where in the world is Carmen San-Diego? Aka Melania Trump? I miss her so much. TBH Melania looks exactly like E.T. There. I said it. I am NOT bullying her. I know she is the obvious leader of the anti-bullying campaign. E.T. is super handsome. They both have that beautiful, copper skin, light eyes, and amazing figure. If they did a face-swap it would be the sexiest first-lady-alien alive, so don’t come at me like some alien body-shamer or whatever. I’m a fan. I just think it’s possible that Trump married an alien and was a huge fan of Steven Spielberg in the 1980s. Conspiracy theory people: Back me up here.

Everyone has their reasons for believing or not believing in intelligent-extraterrestrial life. The other week I was walking home from the bar and I was in a bind. My feet were too tired and Uber is unsafe so I made the obvious decision. I jumped on the back of a delivery man’s bicycle and asked him to drop me off on the Upper West Side. He pedaled me all the way home without asking any questions—and not just because he spoke zero English. As the wind blew through my hair on the heroic man’s handlebars, I realized that I was basically E.T. I’m clearly an alien too, or else I would’ve just taken a Lyft. I also learned that night that you shouldn’t drink on antibiotics. This was the year of realizing things, just like Kylie Jenner said! A modern Gandhi.

It’s rare that others will experience the spiritual awakening that I had. I think a lot of excitement around the UFO sightings is out of desperation. The state of the world is so wild right now that people want literally anything to believe in. From abortion bans to climate change it’s no wonder people are so quick to latch on to the idea of aliens. Maybe these UFOs are coming into awareness as our savior or a reason to give people hope. We all need something to put our faith in and honestly, I’m here for it. I thought Jonathan Cheban was our God, but apparently, he’s just a Foodgōd. Tragic.

This alien sh*t also could not have come at a better time. I just read an article about a new craze of people LARPing in the park with goats. Like there are humans literally role-playing as part of a goat fantasy at local farms in Connecticut. I hope the aliens abduct them first. As if CT needed one more reason for people not to visit. You really blew it, Nutmeg State. And yes, I’m from there. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be ~summering~ at Area 51. Montauk is for Muggles and my hometown is filled with LARP.

Into the (Jordyn) Woods…

First of all, I want to give a huge shout-out to Jordyn Woods for completely dominating the media. In a time of outrageous scandals from Jussie Smollett’s felony to Michael Cohen’s testimony, all the world can talk about is this random girl that lives in Kyle Jenner’s pool house. Side note: Where is 21 Savage?

Honestly, up until a week ago, I thought Jordyn Woods was a trail in Israel or some sh*t. Guess I can cross that off my Birthright bucket list and extend “float in the dead sea with Shlomo.” Jordyn with a Y (super edgy spelling—love it) kisses Khloe Kardashian’s psychotic, serial-cheating baby-daddy and my whole life gets flipped-turned upside down. Now, this is a job for Jada-Pinkett Smith, thought literally no one ever.

Wait, I just realized this is starting to sound like the theme song to ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’—which is a coincidence since Woods considers Will Smith her Uncle. They’re def not blood-related, just super dramatic like when you go to a party and introduce all your best friends as your cousin. “Hey Siri, add this to my list of conspiracy theories.”

I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how Jordy got evicted by a dumb billionaire. I don’t know what goes down in the Hidden Hills, but what I do know is that if every mistake I made when I was 21 was publicized…. I’d have a killer reality TV show as well—or be in jail, not really sure. This young, insecure girl was consumed by alcohol and the attention of a B-list NBA player, causing her to make a sporadic decision that would damage her entire life. When I was 21, I dumped a full vodka-cran on Chris Brown at a club because I believed my loyalty was with Rihanna—but no one wants to talk about that anymore. Woods’ entire being has consisted of Kardashian left-overs, so I don’t know why this is even such a big deal. Let it go. As for me, turned out it wasn’t even Chris Brown, but still Team #BadGal all the way. Slight mix-up.

There was a lot of speculation that this whole thing was a publicity stunt for KUWTK Season 675, but if Kris Jenner is responsible, we can’t even be mad. Why is nobody talking about Jussie “stage a hate crime on myself” Smollett? The homosexual with the voice of an angel actor from Empire? He literally put a noose around his neck and pretended he was attacked in MAGA hats, all for higher ratings, yet we still just want to know if Jordyn and Tristan used tongue. Tragic.

The Trump Administration works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder. Seriously, ever since Woods went on Red Table Talk with Jada and was slut-shamed by the Kar-Jenners, I can’t even remember why Michael Cohen was screaming at me through the TV for two hours.  And, once again, where.is.21.savage?!!!!

This whole situation is honestly wild and makes me miss thicc Rob Kardashian. Jordyn Woods went from being the least interesting person in the world to becoming my phone background. She gives the little people hope just like the return of the Jonas Brothers. Kevin Jonas is back! Thought you’d seen the last of him? Think again, bich!

 

By: Ali Benz

WTF is Galentine’s Day

By: Ali Benz

I know everyone’s February 15th tradition is buying V-day candy on sale, but mine is usually apologizing to whoever took me out the night before. This holiday really escalates quickly. I didn’t mean to scream at that kid for taking me out on a Groupon date. I guess I just expected more from someone I’ve met once.

Why is it so crucial to have a boyfriend by the second month of the year? We literally spend all of December blacking out followed by an awkwardly sober January. How the f*ck can I develop a relationship when the months are so unstable? I doubt whoever liked me during my December bender was still there for me in my new year sobriety. I mean, come on, that’s literally two different people we’re working with. What is this, Split?

Then we have everyone and their mother posting about ‘Galentine’s Day’ like, can you not? Every day is G-day, b*tch. If you need to create a fake holiday out of an already fake holiday to black-out on CVS wine then you probably need better friends. Mine drown themselves in Barefoot Moscato and cry at least twice a week no matter what. Keep up.

And don’t get me started on flowers. What an insensitive gift. What am I, a f*cking bee? I’ll pass. Get me something I can cherish, like an Amazon gift card. It’s really not that hard. If you want to be my Valentine, get me a Valentino. It’s literally spelled out for you. Roses are cute and all but I can’t even eat them for f*ck sake. What’s the use?

This dramatic-ass holiday is also super awk for new relationships. You suddenly have a deadline to DTR. You’re either proposing or ghosting. There’s no in between. If you take your bae out, you’re saying it’s the real deal. Facebook official by the morning. If your boo-thang doesn’t make plans with you, it’s safe to assume you’re a classic side-piece. Ain’t nobody putting a ring on it. Sorry but it’s true. Get out of that one. We don’t do last calls.

Unrelated to love and all the BS on the 14th, this day really screws with my social calendar. This guy invited me to a BTS concert on Thursday. Then, when he realized what day it was, he told me the show was canceled. Relax buddy, no one’s trying to get with you, I just enjoy some good K-pop. Get over yourself. Safe to say all plans were canceled and rescheduled for…. literally any other day. Tragic.

Luckily, it’s all over now. Broken hearts everywhere and romantic Tinder rebounds galore. What a time to be alive. At least we have the remainder of Black History Month. And isn’t it Spring soon or something? What was good with that groundhog? Was he seeing shadows or nah? Either way, I’m getting out of town. Catch flights, not feelings. Peace.

What do R. Kelly & a thicc Otter have in common?

By: Ali Benz

What an interesting world we live in where one can body shame an otter. I’ve been reflecting a lot these days. Not by choice, but we’re over a week into dry January and I literally have nothing better to do. It’s amazing how much free time you have when you’re sober. Who knew! Anyway, back to the otter: an absolute unit. How is it that an aquarium is facing extreme scrutiny over posting a thicc sea creature yet R. Kelly, a serial pedophilic rapist, has received minimal backlash after decades of abuse? The only thing I’m thankful for regarding this monster is that the six-part “Surviving R. Kelly” docuseries came out on the first weekend of Sober January. That was the first time I’ve ever told my friends I couldn’t go out because I was watching Lifetime. No one believed me. So, thank you Robert, but also f*ck you, you piece of trash.

Let’s compare these two breaking stories. On one hand, we have Abby, an innocent otter with the same publicity and curves as the Kardashians. She’s an icon. Abigail is an unapologetic female who will not conform to impossible beauty standards, and her PR girl gets that. After the Monterey Bay Aquarium released one of her tasteful nudes, the internet quickly turned the otter into a victim. Although I’m sure the picture was meant to empower women of all sizes, Instagram trolls quickly did what Instagram trolls do best—ruin a good thing. Thus, the #OttersLivesMatter movement was born. The aquarium was quick to issue a public apology to the furry feminist to silence the trolls. Abby has since become the most influential sea otter on social media and is predicted to be the first aquatic member of Congress. She is set to have lunch with Michelle Obama at Nobu to talk strategy. Fingers crossed for another tell-all.

On the other hand, we have Robert Kelly, the Harvey Weinstein of RnB. While the sea otter content had me falling out of my seat, laughing, the R. Kelly documentary had me sinking into my couch, crying. This man abused tons of vulnerable women without seeing any consequences or remorse. His fame and fortune allowed him to hide in plain sight. Loyal fans protected this creep for years and constantly shamed his victims. It literally took thirty years and a six-part docuseries to shed light on an infamous rapist, yet just hours to shame an aquarium for accidentally offending the otter community. Tragic.

Just because you don’t want to remove “Ignition” from your throwback 2000’s playlist does not mean you need to support a predator. While Abby thrives in aquarium boundaries, R. Kelly should rot in a cell. If Instagram trolls spent even half as much time destroying R(apist) Kelly as they do tearing apart a random aquarium, the world would be a better place. He may sing like an angel, but keep in mind he’s just another Bill Cosby behind a pretty voice. I strongly suggest everyone continue the fight to #MuteRKelly and protest this sick man to death.

On a happier note, I just received word that Abby will be the new face of OtterBox. She will be collaborating on a new design for thicc, plus-size iPhones, available exclusively through Fashion Nova. Oh lawd she comin.

Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg

By: Ali Benz

Halloween is amazing. The costumes get crazier and more confusing every year. For example, last night, I met a black man wearing a sweet George Washington costume. Naturally, I asked him if he was George Washington Carver. He said, “No! I’m Ric Flair (b*tch)!” Then I jumped off a bridge. Just kidding. I’m not racist, just an idiot. I’m not even sure who GW-Carver is but I’m sure he’s a lovely guy. We then preceded to get a ~ spooky ~ drink together and he followed me on Instagram and I’m buying his mixtape. All’s well that ends well!

I just love how it’s socially acceptable to dress up like an idiot, consume your weight in chocolate, and black-out on a Wednesday all because of this random holiday. I mean, to me, that’s just another day in the life, but it’s great to see the community getting involved.

I’ve never actually planned a Halloween costume. I have no idea how you psychopaths do that. My method is to throw on all black (shocker), douse myself in paint, find the nearest headgear, and call it a day. Then, you go out and whenever someone asks who you are, you obnoxiously say “What does it look like I am?” However they respond is now what you are. Basically, that’s how you become a skeleton, pirate, cannibal, and sexy pumpkin all in one night. That’s just showbiz, baby.

Lucky for me, my Italian hair-dresser saved the day. She legit stuffed one of her black smocks (smock is a weird word) into my bag and said: “Here, have a cape.” Sexy witch, here I come. Stylist Deb doing G-d’s work—I love it. Clearly, her selfless act did not go unnoticed. I caught the attention of a guy dressed as a sexy cop. He asked for my full name, address, birthday—and then I realized he was indeed not in costume at all and I was indeed receiving a fat fine for public intoxication. Stupid hot narc.

Bottom line, Halloween is the best holiday of the year. A bunch of weirdos running around half-naked or covered in blood—you never know what you’re going to get. Also, holiday-hack: if you’re a girl in your twenties and put on a mask and channel the voice of a small boy, you will never have to stop trick-or-treating. I don’t do that, I just heard one of my friends did it. And I was there. Don’t judge me. I have no idea where else to get 100 Grand bars without knocking on a stranger’s door disguised as a ninja turtle. Gender roles, am I right?

Super depressing that it’s over, but at least it’s about to get worse. All your slutty pics are about to surface and literally ruin your life. Bad weekend to be a school teacher. The best is coming into the office after all your ~ spooky ~ activities. All the Karens and Toms ask you what you did and you tell them “nothing special,” as if three hours ago you weren’t funneling handles of Fireball dressed as a sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg and vomiting into a pumpkin. Life experiences are everything. Happy Halloween!