The COVID: Total Madness

By: Ali Benz

This is not a drill. The rules of COVID apply. Play carefully. You are now living in an alternate reality. Nothing is the same and you will survive only if you follow the rules. This is season of the Rona, and you are Player One. Mask on, six feet, never touch your face. Play at your own risk.

You are automatically in the game so it’s time to isolate and adapt. Great time to be a nun, horrible time to be a swinger. A guy literally sent me his Corona test results to get me to hangout. Huge red flag but also is this the new equivalent to STD tests? Proving you’re clean? Thanks, buddy, I’m glad you’re negative for COVID but I’m sure you’re positive for something else. Anyone trying to hookup in these conditions is clearly unwell. Hate to break it to you but you’re not meeting your wife on Tinder today. Stay home.

I know, easier said than done. It’s nearly impossible to stay locked up with your family or roommates. I got in a fight with my dad last night because the avocados weren’t organic. We’re currently still not speaking. I know I overreacted but I fought so hard for those avocados it would be too awkward to back down now. We’ll probably speak once he catches me watching reality TV again and threatens to cancel the cable. Or worse, catches me making a Tik Tok, which is essentially just slutty sign-language. The deaf community should come for Addison Rae.

It would really suck to lose TV considering how many great shows are out right now. Listen to Your Heart? Oscar-worthy. The Challenge? Tear-jerker. So great to see TJ Lavin is still employed and I’m not. Do reality TV stars collect unemployment? I’ve been trying to collect mine for weeks and still can’t get in touch with the New York Government. Andrew Cuomo is too busy being cute AF to call me back. I get playing hard to get but like I need my money, Drew.

Not sure why they make it so hard to get paid. I just want enough money to buy a trendy face mask from a local rather than getting scammed by hippies on Etsy. I should’ve known ten masks for five dollars from someone named “Wild Flower” in New Zealand was too good to be true. That wasn’t my best move but at least I’m not taking shots of Lysol to stay pure. I actually love the mask look—super theft-chic and the narrow design does wonders for my jawline. My only complaint is the subtle mask-tan and some minor chin acne.

To be honest, I’m not ready for the Q to end. Don’t kill me for saying this, but I find it quite relaxing and I’m super busy. I don’t know where the time goes. It’s amazing we are living through a pandemic, and although it’s scary and your life is actually tragic, things will get better. For now, enjoy the time to yourself and the time at home. Give yourself a break. And remember, liquor stores are considered “essential” so there’s really no reason to complain.

 

The Corona Files

By: Ali Benz

If you get offended easily, this post isn’t for you. If you’re getting bored painting your nails quarantine red and sending pandemic nudes from your parents’ basement, carry on. COVID-19 is upon us and we need some comic relief during these dark times. Everybody copes differently. Some are blacking out with their cats while others are going ape-shit in a Costco. You decide who you want to be.

While we’re all on lockdown, it’s easy to forget what day or year it is. My oven clock is still wrong from day-light savings so I really have no idea. All I know is there are only a few rules for quarantine: calories don’t count, drinking doesn’t stop, and you can sleep with your socks on. It’s a different world.

I used to think that Corona was spread by the government to shut down the rave community. Every music festival has been canceled so that 12,000 wooks can’t share one camelback and clean themselves with their bucket hats. It was always dangerous, but the spread of a virus was the only way to get the bassheads’ attention.

After doing more research, I realized this conspiracy might not be true. It’s bigger than the rave. This virus was set out to conquer a whole generation. Perhaps millennials and Gen-Z are that terrible that we needed to be wiped out completely. The lord saw the future and it didn’t look good. It was all Tik Tok dances, vegan options, and a mediocre album by Justin Bieber. Of course the world was going to end. Or it’s just a test.

Everyone wanted to work from home so badly, and now it’s happening. Most people are forced to work remotely until further notice and I find it hilarious. Someone is currently auditing your taxes wearing a crop-top and drinking a Truly. A professor is virtually teaching a slew of degenerates that mute their screens to take bong rips.

Sadly, not everyone can work from home. If you work in the service industry, say goodbye to your paycheck. Waiters might actually have to become good actors now since they’re cut off from serving sangria at your local Olive Garden while “in-between gigs.” Tragic.

On the other hand, this is a fitness instructor’s dream. My whole newsfeed is just shirtless people working out in their basements and giving me unsolicited advice. Stop telling me to use a banana as a dumbbell. Gyms are closed for a reason: The government wants us to get thicc.

It’s great that coaches can virtually train, but it’s even greater that my therapist can virtually counsel. Now, I can show my therapist my childhood home and the people I’ve been complaining about for months! I bet this will speed up the process and I can even live stream my quarantine so she can fully assess the situation and take my side.

Don’t worry about how you’re handling it all. Everyone pandemics differently. Just be mindful of others. Stay inside. I know you’re freaking out that Coachella is canceled, but honestly, it’s not even cool anymore. Save your money and party through your phone. There’s nothing more fun than taking a shot with your friend across the globe at 2pm on a Wednesday in pajamas.

New Year New Me

By: Ali Benz

New year new me. It’s resolution time. I just did a 2-week social media cleanse and wow, it was nice. I had so much freedom. I literally had no idea what was going on or where anyone was and it was amazing. A bunch of people couldn’t get in touch with me and that was the best part. Who knew so many people slide into my DMs that don’t even have my number. I had zero fomo. This is the life that I want.

Without IG, you never feel pressured to do anything. You don’t have to see your friends’ three-hour-long story of a DJ Khaled concert and think “what if.” You don’t have to watch a promo for Kylie Cosmetics. You’ll never know whose bachelorette party you didn’t get invited to. And you’ll never wake up in the middle of the night in a panic wondering what cringe-worthy content you posted at 2 am on your story. That was probably the biggest revelation for me. I’m used to deleting everything and then having anxiety for the next twelve hours, but no ‘gram equals no posts. You can finally rest knowing you didn’t post yourself serenading your Uber driver to Taylor Swift as you beg him to get you a McChicken.

It means no worries. However, it does mean sketchy af. After an event last week, a few people asked for my Insta upon leaving. When I said I didn’t have one they def thought I was a murderer. Then I started to think I was one, too, because who tf doesn’t have Instagram? That’s why I’m back on here. People without social media usually have something to hide. There’s nothing sketchier than someone in a job interview who doesn’t have Facebook. Yes, Facebook is wack af and tailored to your stalker aunt but it is a necessity. Group projects? Facebook. Background check? Facebook. Making sure the intern you just hired that only owns a Nokia won’t steal your HD scanner? Facebook! If you don’t have social, odds are you’re Joe from You.

Not to mention, you become extremely alienated. I knew none of the current memes and I had to hear from an outside source that Justin Bieber has pink hair. I should’ve been the first to know. Also, I thought Millie Bobby Brown was Halsey, but that’s another discussion. Honestly, none of this celeb stuff should matter but we have to stay on top of the hot gossip or else we’ll die at work. Selena Gomez put out a fire album and I need to like all her sh*t to make up for hating on her for the past ten years. She’s absolutely killing it and we stan. Her ex, Biebz, tried to outshine her album drop with his Lyme disease but we’re not going to let that happen. Sel legit had a kidney transplant—his tick bite can wait. Not belittling his disease, I know Lyme is awful but for real I need to meet the tick that bit Justin. That lil guy has some serious BDE.

I probably will never find that parasite, but be mindful that other parasites will find you. I deleted Instagram, as I’ve now mentioned six times, but there are other platforms and you need to be cautious. Without IG, I found myself posting on Twitter, because, duh. It’s in these moments that you realize just how psycho your ex is. I barely knew I had a Twitter account, but this stalker was one step ahead of me and seeing everything I tweeted in real-time. I’m flattered you’re so obsessed with me, but seriously Twitter should be a safe space. I never thought I’d have to block someone on an app that tells me my horoscope.

With Twitter unsafe, I finally downloaded Tik Tok. I said I never would but desperate times call for desperate measures and now I have so many questions. Is this app designed specifically for teenage girls to dance to trap music after they’re done with homework? I respect the creative freedom but wow, when I was in middle school, I was hardly able to learn the Cotton Eye Joe. The Cotton Eye J was way too controversial. Now, these people are body-rolling to Doja Cat. I barely know what a Doja Cat is and I feel old. This app made me sad and now I’m having a mid-life crisis. I’ll get back to that later—I need to learn the Renegade dance so my sixteen-year-old cousin will still think I’m cool.

All in all, social media is quite toxic, but in this society, it’s inevitable. We need apps to stay relevant. Plus, I miss all the paradoxes of Instagram, like when bottle girls have “RN” in their bio. No way I’d let anyone from Marquee put a needle in my arm, but I think it’s unique how you describe yourself as a nurse meanwhile your first ten pics consist of champagne showers and an ice luge. I also take pride in knowing I’m blocked by Bart Johnson. That’s Troy Bolton’s dad from High School Musical. So much clout. Sorry for bothering you, Barty J. We’re just dying for a spin-off

Enjoy your social media breaks while they last. It’s super refreshing and isolating. Just don’t post on your story that you’re doing an “Instagram Cleanse” and will be back soon because that’s obnoxious. You’re not Demi Lovato. No one is wondering where you are besides your mom and that one foreign guy in your DMs that keeps asking you to “send bobz.” Tragic.

 

An Accurate Debate Recap

By: Ali Benz

I can’t take these presidential debates seriously. After anyone speaks I think it will be followed by, “And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night Live!” I’m not sure if I should blame Alec Baldwin or my extreme A.D.D., but I must say these events are more than political. They are mildly entertaining. It’s important to tune in and vote so you can make a difference and all that, but it’s also V important to take note of all the ridiculousness that was the democratic presidential debate. Don’t get me wrong—there were some great arguments and strong competitors on the stage. I just find it a bit hard to focus on policies and numbers while Bill de Blasio is screaming at me through my TV.

Let’s start with Joe Biden (because he’d be offended if we didn’t). Is he like, super close with Obama or something? I couldn’t tell. We get it Joe, you were VP. Get over it. He reminds me of the quarter back of your high school football team that won’t move on. That’s cool, Biden, you were hot in 2009 but it’s time to get a real job. This washed up prom king won’t give it a rest. I get that some people are super into the Affordable Care Act and all, but will it protect women from Joe? Kirsten Gillibrand threw a dagger when she brought up the former VP’s argument that “women working outside the home would ‘create the deterioration of family.’” Really, JB? This is why we can’t have old people in office. They are not up with the times and they don’t send good memes.

Gillibrand’s attack on Biden was what made me want to learn more about her. For some reason her name is Kirsten, not Kristen, and I think that’s super trendy. Every time she spoke I thought she was giving the sermon at my Bat Mitzvah. I was so close to inviting her to light candle number two. Truthfully, I’m not sure where I stand on healthcare, but Kirsty stands with Bernie on Medicare for all and I love that for her. Last week I had to drop 1k on an EpiPen because I’m “allergic to dust.” Everyone’s f*cking allergic to dust. It’s dust. Anyway, whatever plan is going to make sure that never happens again is fine by me. I could’ve been in Mykonos but instead my money is going to a pen I don’t know how to use for a fake allergy.

Speaking of money, did Andrew Yang just offer to give me one thousand dollars per month? Yes, please. That means 12k a year aka one EpiPen and eleven months in Europe. Sign me up for the Yang Gang. TBH there’s no chance this legend will win, but he still has my full support. Every time he finished speaking I swore he was going to drop a promo for his comedy special. He really brought the energy, and for that, I’m in.

Michael Bennet did the opposite. This man was sleepier than Ben Carson. Wake up, buddy. I’m sure he had some solid points but I really wasn’t engaged. I would get engaged to Julián Castro, though. Is anyone else sexually attracted to this man? Politics, but make it fashion. His hair, his tie, his voice? Jules was the full package. If this president thing doesn’t work out he definitely has a future as the next Bachelor. Someone call Chris Harrison.

I didn’t realize that Cory Booker wasn’t Vin Diesel until about half-way through, but he crushed it nonetheless. He went head to head with Biden and didn’t back down. While their showdown did teach me a lot about immigration policies and how Joe is stuck in the past, I also received other vital information. I had no idea you could say “sh*thole” on national television. Thanks, Cory! It’s safe to say Booker is now the political king of clout. After his “dipping into the Koolaid” comment, the Koolaid man actually tweeted at him and I think that’s a beautiful thing. The most famous person that ever tweeted me was Jake, from State Farm.

Throughout the entire, cringe-worthy debate, I looked at Kamala Harris as a light. She reminds me of literally every “cool” guidance counselor in any ABC Family show ever. The one that goes above and beyond for the students and gives them motivational speeches to “try harder.” Miss Hawaii obviously thought differently. She annihilated Harris and basically called her a hypocritical pothead in front of all of America. I see you Tulsi. Makes sense though. Might as well leave it all on the field on your last day.

Who knows who we’ll be seeing in September. All I know is that Bernie Sanders is having a Hot Girl Summer and that’s all that matters. He’s backed by Cardi B and the B is for the Bern. It all makes sense now. I just hope the Republican debate is as lit as the Dem’s was. It’s a relief to finally see some good TV after watching Luke P. cry all summer. Tragic.

Stop Selling Me Things

By: Ali Benz

Has anyone ever had to Venmo a homeless person? I have. Not having cash is no longer an adequate excuse. The ease of sending money makes everything super awkward, like when I have to donate to a cause on Facebook for a birthday every other day so I can sleep at night. Between Paypal, Zelle, and online shopping there are no limits.  You can literally sell anything. Whether it’s a product, an idea, or an app—someone’s buying. People want the next best thing even if it’s dumb af. You can literally put your trash on Etsy and call it a “Vintage Dream-Catcher” then suddenly some weirdo in Colorado is paying your rent.

I know everyone has seen those stupid Scooters around town for people who can’t afford Uber. That’s already pretty f*cking weird, but now I’m seeing pogo-sticks. You can hop your ass to work now. I was a professional pogo-sticker back in ‘02, but best believe you won’t catch me on one of those today. Pogos are absolutely not a method of transportation and make literally no sense. Imagine if you didn’t have the right backpack on—or bra. I’m so disturbed. Please, no more bouncing. Bring back Heely’s.

If you commute to work like a normal person, you probably need a decent night’s rest. Everyone has insomnia these days because it’s like, “in”. Super irritating considering I haven’t been able to sleep for years but now everybody wants to talk about it. Luckily, people capitalize on trends immediately and sell weird products on the internet to my mom. First, it was CBD oil. Now, it’s f*cking lavender? What? I told my mother I couldn’t sleep and she sent me a jar of lavender to lather myself in. It never put me to sleep but I do smell like a f*cking candle. Usually when I can’t go to bed my friends give me five melatonin and a Benadryl and hope I STFU. It doesn’t work either but at least I don’t turn into a plant.

Speaking of transforming, can everyone please stop downloading the FaceApp? Why are you so obsessed with posting pics of yourselves as old people? Your day will come. I legit never once wondered what any of my friends would look like at age eighty. Also, I don’t get why celebs insist on aging themselves in the app, too? No one cares what you look like Ludacris—I didn’t even know you weren’t that old. Please be more relevant. And seriously, Jonas Brothers? Why’d you do Kevin dirty like that?! He was already the least interesting to look at then they went and gave just him one of those creepy skin tags. Tragic.

When the internet isn’t targeting face-tuners, they pray on the over-weight. Forever 21 sent Atkins bars with plus-size orders as part of a master marketing plan that certainly wouldn’t be offensive. What do these people think, their XL customers will be flattered to receive subpar diet bars with their jeggings? That they’ll start buying Atkins products because the most disorganized clothing company in the world suggested it? Taking diet advice from a Forever 21 is like taking dating advice from Tiger Woods: It just doesn’t work.

Unfortunately, the FBI agents in our phones will continue to stalk us and bombard us with ads for exactly what we want. You can’t escape it. Instagram will target you. Amazon will find you. Don’t drink and Prime. You might just end up with two pashminas in the middle of July.

True Life: You’re an Alien

By: Ali Benz

Do people even know what UFO stands for? It literally just means unidentified flying object. I consider a UFO to be that random scrap of meat the hibachi chef throws into your mouth and you just eat it no matter what because—showbiz. The term doesn’t directly relate to aliens, but it’s completely understandable if you grew up watching E.T. A UFO may be flying Japanese meat in my eyes, but to others, it’s the possibility of a whole other galaxy.

I’m down for an alien invasion just as much as the next guy. I just hope these slick extraterrestrials are single af. Everybody these days is either gay or married, so I’d take a handsome, tech-savvy E.T. any day of the week. My hopes are obviously up, but one can’t even be sure that the objects the Navy reported are extraterrestrial. The Navy is dramatic and prob just wants attention, or a day off from work. I told my boss I had tennis elbow to get a sick day, but I bet if I said I saw a UFO in 2015 he’d suggest a leave of absence for “personal reasons”.

Honestly, I think there are aliens all around us and we don’t even know it. For example, where in the world is Carmen San-Diego? Aka Melania Trump? I miss her so much. TBH Melania looks exactly like E.T. There. I said it. I am NOT bullying her. I know she is the obvious leader of the anti-bullying campaign. E.T. is super handsome. They both have that beautiful, copper skin, light eyes, and amazing figure. If they did a face-swap it would be the sexiest first-lady-alien alive, so don’t come at me like some alien body-shamer or whatever. I’m a fan. I just think it’s possible that Trump married an alien and was a huge fan of Steven Spielberg in the 1980s. Conspiracy theory people: Back me up here.

Everyone has their reasons for believing or not believing in intelligent-extraterrestrial life. The other week I was walking home from the bar and I was in a bind. My feet were too tired and Uber is unsafe so I made the obvious decision. I jumped on the back of a delivery man’s bicycle and asked him to drop me off on the Upper West Side. He pedaled me all the way home without asking any questions—and not just because he spoke zero English. As the wind blew through my hair on the heroic man’s handlebars, I realized that I was basically E.T. I’m clearly an alien too, or else I would’ve just taken a Lyft. I also learned that night that you shouldn’t drink on antibiotics. This was the year of realizing things, just like Kylie Jenner said! A modern Gandhi.

It’s rare that others will experience the spiritual awakening that I had. I think a lot of excitement around the UFO sightings is out of desperation. The state of the world is so wild right now that people want literally anything to believe in. From abortion bans to climate change it’s no wonder people are so quick to latch on to the idea of aliens. Maybe these UFOs are coming into awareness as our savior or a reason to give people hope. We all need something to put our faith in and honestly, I’m here for it. I thought Jonathan Cheban was our God, but apparently, he’s just a Foodgōd. Tragic.

This alien sh*t also could not have come at a better time. I just read an article about a new craze of people LARPing in the park with goats. Like there are humans literally role-playing as part of a goat fantasy at local farms in Connecticut. I hope the aliens abduct them first. As if CT needed one more reason for people not to visit. You really blew it, Nutmeg State. And yes, I’m from there. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be ~summering~ at Area 51. Montauk is for Muggles and my hometown is filled with LARP.

Into the (Jordyn) Woods…

First of all, I want to give a huge shout-out to Jordyn Woods for completely dominating the media. In a time of outrageous scandals from Jussie Smollett’s felony to Michael Cohen’s testimony, all the world can talk about is this random girl that lives in Kyle Jenner’s pool house. Side note: Where is 21 Savage?

Honestly, up until a week ago, I thought Jordyn Woods was a trail in Israel or some sh*t. Guess I can cross that off my Birthright bucket list and extend “float in the dead sea with Shlomo.” Jordyn with a Y (super edgy spelling—love it) kisses Khloe Kardashian’s psychotic, serial-cheating baby-daddy and my whole life gets flipped-turned upside down. Now, this is a job for Jada-Pinkett Smith, thought literally no one ever.

Wait, I just realized this is starting to sound like the theme song to ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’—which is a coincidence since Woods considers Will Smith her Uncle. They’re def not blood-related, just super dramatic like when you go to a party and introduce all your best friends as your cousin. “Hey Siri, add this to my list of conspiracy theories.”

I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how Jordy got evicted by a dumb billionaire. I don’t know what goes down in the Hidden Hills, but what I do know is that if every mistake I made when I was 21 was publicized…. I’d have a killer reality TV show as well—or be in jail, not really sure. This young, insecure girl was consumed by alcohol and the attention of a B-list NBA player, causing her to make a sporadic decision that would damage her entire life. When I was 21, I dumped a full vodka-cran on Chris Brown at a club because I believed my loyalty was with Rihanna—but no one wants to talk about that anymore. Woods’ entire being has consisted of Kardashian left-overs, so I don’t know why this is even such a big deal. Let it go. As for me, turned out it wasn’t even Chris Brown, but still Team #BadGal all the way. Slight mix-up.

There was a lot of speculation that this whole thing was a publicity stunt for KUWTK Season 675, but if Kris Jenner is responsible, we can’t even be mad. Why is nobody talking about Jussie “stage a hate crime on myself” Smollett? The homosexual with the voice of an angel actor from Empire? He literally put a noose around his neck and pretended he was attacked in MAGA hats, all for higher ratings, yet we still just want to know if Jordyn and Tristan used tongue. Tragic.

The Trump Administration works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder. Seriously, ever since Woods went on Red Table Talk with Jada and was slut-shamed by the Kar-Jenners, I can’t even remember why Michael Cohen was screaming at me through the TV for two hours.  And, once again, where.is.21.savage?!!!!

This whole situation is honestly wild and makes me miss thicc Rob Kardashian. Jordyn Woods went from being the least interesting person in the world to becoming my phone background. She gives the little people hope just like the return of the Jonas Brothers. Kevin Jonas is back! Thought you’d seen the last of him? Think again, bich!

 

By: Ali Benz